Let’s have a difficult conversation, shall we? When I lost my dad, I figured I could pbe tough, i could play it off like it wouldn’t be that big of a deal. Yet, the pain is still very real today. I even considered myself lucky because I had “finished” having kids before he passed. All three of my girls have memories of their Papa. My brother and sister on the other hand hadn’t had kids yet, and I always wondered how that would affect them. I never thought I’d be experiencing having kids after he was gone. Despite this being a tough post to write, I’m sure so many can relate.
Before I begin, let’s just start by saying we hands down have one of the best papas in heaven. Papa was fun, papa was stern and papa loved like no one else. We were blessed with an incredible 8 years of knowing my dad as Papa. I wouldn’t trade those years for anything. Papa always joked he’d never see the day he had a grandson because he was always surrounded by girls. He now has three grandsons.
But, what’s it like..not having a beloved parent around when you have a new child? At first, I’ll be honest, I didn’t think it was going to be a huge deal. I accepted a long time ago that he is gone. I was wrong.
I could have used him to calm my nerves before the c-section. But, I felt his forehead kiss when I was as being wheeled back.
I could have used him to talk through our NICU journey. But, I could feel him every time I began to break down.
I could have used him when I got into a minor accident, man I was good at calling him for minor things and breaking down. But, I felt him help me maintain my composure that day too.
I want so badly to call him up on days where things just aren’t easy. If heaven had a phone, we’d be talking all the time. Instead, we’ll settle for the moments we can tell he’s near. We will picture the smiles and pride in our hearts. We will speak of him often.
I’ve thought long and hard about the message I want to convey to those who are experiencing what I am. The truth is it’s not easy. I highly doubt the grief will truly ever go away. However, you must look for the moments. The moments when you know your parent would have enjoyed. The moments where the sun shines a little brighter, the moments when your children smile a little bigger, the moments when you think you can’t but you do…look for those moments, those moments are when your parent supports you from the heavens above.
If you’ve lost a parent and have had children afterwards, I highly encourage you to share your own story.
Oh and Dad, if you’re reading this from heaven, I hope I’ve made you proud.